


She couldn't scream while I held her close (I swore I'd never let her go)

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Series: Recover and rebuild, here with me [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, War, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 17:45:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3538439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <em>You promised me you'd be around (I wish you´d have been right)</em>, could possibly explain some things if you read that first</p>
            </blockquote>





	She couldn't scream while I held her close (I swore I'd never let her go)

**Author's Note:**

> or the one when Clarke can see the changes in Lexa

She’s quiet the whole way back, awake and staring at the seat in front of her, but she doesn’t say anything at all. The clouds in her eyes are as dark as the perfect lines contouring them and she has been wearing the same emotionless expression since you left the graveyard. Still, even though you know she tries not to, it's written all over her face. She needed to do this, there were no alternatives. She had to get to say goodbye, for herself, for her sanity and to the memory of one she always will love. You know how that feels, how it breaks something inside you, how it makes you wish that you could switch places with them. Anything at all is better than having to say goodbye, especially when it's too late to do something drastic about it. That's why you offered to accompany her, although you figured that she'd turn you down on the spot. You were pleasantly surprised when she said yes and no longer than three days later you left camp to go home to her hometown. She wasted no time when you had landed, as far as you know that´s how Lexa works, she just does things without thinking about it for too long, like ripping of a bandage.

You lean back and let your head tilt to the side, you can watch her perfectly from this angle. Her jaws are tightened, which highlights her cheekbones. She has really soft features, with edges that make her look a whole lot older than what she is. They are probably also the reason to way people find her terrifying in a sense. For as long as you've been working together you have never seen or heard anyone even talk back at her, her people just follow her without a question. They trust her, this you know. She´s worth trusting, this you have slowly started to believe. When her eyes flutter shut and the tension in her face tones out to her relaxing into her seat, sleep finally penetrating her barriers. There´s only so many that make you respect them right away, Lexa was an exception, but even though she deserves it you can't help but wonder who and if anyone gets to see her like this- unarmed and emotionally naked.

Those few minutes you had spent in the graveyard was heavy and tough to bear. When you had watched her kneeling in front of Costia´s grave were you thrown back in time. All of a sudden were you on the field with the rest of your people, sand blowing up in your face and heat burning on every patch of visible skin of your body. Of course have you been thinking of that day before Lexa had led the way up the row of lost lives you never knew, but you would never have to know them to know how their close ones had felt standing over their last resting place, the thing was that, which you've known for some time now, you cared. About Lexa. About her well being, about her coping with this sudden and terrible loss. She can give you any explanation she wants and talk all she can about how she´s a warrior, a leader, and that she can't be affected by this. Nothing will change the fact that you know, you know because you have been there in her shoes trying to make everyone else and yourself believe that you can and will survive this on your own. You know, because you had to say goodbye to the one person in this love you ever loved. His grave is unmarked, at least the one where he died. A casket with his name and stone are somewhere else in the states, you don't know for sure where exactly. You said goodbye with the ones that had known him and fought by his side, the funeral his family held back home wasn't something you could attend. Because you couldn't bear it, not then, not now, probably not ever.

She breathes out with a ragged breath and you open one of your eyes. Her face is twitching and she mumbles something unhearable- she´s dreaming. You sigh and rub your face with stiff hands to wake up. You look around to find the rest of the passengers still asleep, the only one awake is the flight attendant who is hardly visible behind the curtain. She mumbles again and you look over at her. She looks so soft and young when she´s asleep, something you realized two nights ago when she fell asleep while you were waiting for your departure at the airport. She´s different when she´s awake, hard, rough, direct and still neutral. You have to admit to yourself, even though it´s definitely strange, that you like her like this. Besides, you like watching her like this.

The first time you caught yourself with blindly staring at her was the second night at her campsite. You had been up for almost 24 hours and you both had more or less slumped down in the two chairs in her tent with big huffs. The day had been one of the worst you'd experienced yet and every muscle in your body made sure you knew it. It was quiet outside and the light very dimmed, really there was no light to speak of because the only lamp in the tent was the one standing on the big table in the middle, but it wasn't much for show. You hadn´t reacted to it at first, but then had she turned in her seat and you looked over. Her head was tilted to the side and her mouth slightly open, her face was smooth and calm- nothing like how she was normally. She was still wearing her uniform, but it was something so soothing about how she just fit into the picture even though the signs of youth still were present in her appearance. At least when she looked like she did then. Now, when you look at her, there´s something hard even to the way she sleeps.

You let her sleep, or dream, until the pilot announces that you're twenty minutes from landing. You lean over to her side and carefully touch her knee, she doesn´t react.

“Lexa”.

She shows no signs of waking up so you grab her shoulder and squeeze. She hums but still in her sleep. You restrain yourself from pulling back some of the curls which have fallen down over her face, how they managed to get out of her perfectly braided braid is remarkable, instead you squeeze her shoulder harder and wiggle her a bit. She wakes up with a jerk of her head, confused she looks at you and then around herself.

“We're almost there”, you say and swallow back that question, the only question you want to ask her. It can wait.

“Okay”, she answer sleepily and straighten in her seat. She cracks her wrists and arms, making the hair along your spine rise- you hate that sound, it reminds you of bones actually cracking and you've seen too much of that. “Did you sleep?”, she asks and yes, you're surprised by it, she´s not normally interested in knowing anything about your wellbeing. Yet again, you have never been in this situation with her before. Maybe some things change. 

“A little”.

She nods and turns to the window. That moment is obviously over, but you still feel like it´s there, hanging in the air like a stranger´s perfume in passing. Really, you've felt that during these days every now and again. You've known each other for less than three months, but ever since the alliance was made you've spent every day by her side as you have tried to come up with a plan to end this war. Easier said than done. At least it has meant that you've been a permanent resident at her camp and most of your time has been spent in the privacy of Lexa´s tent. The girl you met for a little more than five months ago is still here, even though everyone else will state the different, she´s just cramped in a space filled with sorrow and pain. You pull your gaze away from here and sigh as you feel the restlessness in your legs, you weren't meant to be sitting still for this long.

“Thank you”.

You take in a breath before you realize that yeah, you did hear that. When you turn to her again she´s still looking out the window, you can see her eyes as they follow the lines of the wing of the plane, they are shimmering in the light because of tears almost wheeling over the edge.

“You're welcome”, you say because you're not sure what else to say. You watch as she takes in a slow breath with her bottom lip trembling at the end.

“You really didn't have to, but I-”.

“Lexa”, you say and she turns to you with that familiar look on her face, that´s a good sign, she does that when she's interrupted. But it doesn't linger and is soon replaced by her looking empty. There´s no light behind her eyes and the small signs of sleep doesn't cover up her restlessness- you're sure this is the first time she has slept the last couple of days.

“I'm glad you did. I don't know if I'd have been able to do this if I'd been alone”.

“It´s okay. I wanted to come”.

She nods as to herself but doesn't let go of your gaze. You've feared that she would break at some point, if not from saying goodbye then from finally letting the truth sink into her, but when she looks at you like this are you able to see the girl she was. That girl who involuntarily told you all about the love she held for someone who she made out to be a miracle, angel and only good thing in this world. The one she still is and maybe, if there´s time and space for it, can you hope that she'll be okay. Maybe she doesn't have to end up like what is predicted. Maybe she'll be just fine.

The plane lands smoothly and you get out and are once again remembered by how little you appreciate this heat. You long for going back home to the safety of the woods you and your friends escaped to when the city became too much, too big, too much of everything- after this you're not sure if you're ever going to be able to live in the city, you need your peace and quiet. The things that this place lacks of. Lexa leads and you follow as she get into a truck, the guard standing by it solutes her and when she relieves him he goes to load your luggage onto the truck. She jumps into the driver's seat and you get into the passenger seat after making sure that everything has been loaded, along with the equipment you picked up at your stopover. The guard nods to you and stands by to watch you drive away. 

Lexa doesn't say anything, there´s nothing to say and too much that she needs to analyse before she might even be remotely ready to talk. You know, because after Finn´s passing you didn't really speak to anyone in two weeks and after that you ended up yelling at anyone at the slightest misstep. Luckily enough could those close to you handle it and help you turn it around when they right time for that came. This is the first time that you've allowed yourself to think of him, of his name, and maybe even the necklace that is packed with the rest of your things. You stopped wearing it after his death which wasn't anticipated, that was the last thing anyone would have thought that you'd do. It just hurt to much to feel the weight of it against the hollow of your neck.

Lexa steers the vehicle with firm hands on the wheel and takes you deeper into the darkness of the night falling down over you. The sound of sand under the wheels are calming and soon you don't hear the hum of the engine, what´s left when you have to force your eyes from falling shut is the slight vibrations within the truck. Without a warning the headlights hit a guard who flings up on his feet from sitting and he too salutes when he notices Lexa. Their camp is hidden within the a low valley and the truck round three sand-hills after the guard post and there it is- camp Tondc. Lexa continues to drive through the flanks of the camp until you reach the very back of it, only then does she shut off the engine. You think you can hear her sigh before she opens the door and jumps out. She's incredibly hard to read, but this time you know for sure. It´s always a bittersweet feeling of returning to this place, no matter where you rather be.

Gustus approaches the truck when you get out, while two men go to unload it. He gives you a look, the look, and turns to Lexa without a word. You were really not expecting a welcome back committee, but still would have been nice if he did a bit more than just recognize your presence half of the time.

“Commander. Back so soon?”.

Lexa´s jaws tighten and she roll her eyes in the dark.

“What does it look like, Gustus?”.

When those words leave Lexa´s lips takes Gustus one step back and straightens his back into a formal position. God, even he fears her. You huff and grab one of the bags that actually contains your stuff and not any other equipment. Gustus still standing like that when you turn back to him and find that Lexa too has grabbed on of her bags. When she turns his way he solutes her.

“I apologies, Commander. I didn't mean to intrude”.

“You're fine. Update us on the latest”.

You follow Lexa to her tent and watch has Gustus gesticulates at the map to show the both of you where the enemy has advanced and where you are still in command. Lexa wears a serious and neutral face the whole time, you can't help but see the darkness below her eyes and what the lack of sleep has done to her normally clear eyes. When Gustus has finished and step back to let Lexa take in the whole picture, Lexa frowns so that her nose wrinkle and her hand supports her against the table. You are standing on the other side, to tired to even think about what these changes mean and what you are going to do about it. You'll have to go visit camp Jaha and check up on your company and friends, they to need to hear about this.

“Thank you, Gustus. You can leave”, Lexa says which is followed with a deep exhale.

Gustus leaves the tent without a word and with it a silence falls down over you, along with the heavy feeling of exhaustion- you've been going non-stop for the last days, more emotionally than normally. Lexa moves away from the table and slips out of her jacket, now standing in only her undershirt you realize that it´s way past midnight and you should retreat to your quarters.

“We should review this tonight”.

You look up to find Lexa studying you. She too looks tired, but you know better than to believe that she would tell you that. You however can't ignore the dull ache working its way up through your neck, if you won´t get any sleep tonight you will get a pounding headache without a doubt.

“Can't it wait til tomorrow? I think we can sleep for a couple of hours without all hell breaking loose”, you answer and she turns away. You sigh and turn to walk the same way Gustus did a few minutes earlier. You think that you catches Lexa look after you, but you don't stop- you need air and anything else than seeing that map which you have been staring at for months now.

When you get out you find the fire that is lit every night just outside the commander's tent. You watch the flames as the lick the ground and up the wood. It doesn't take long before Lexa appears at your side, as you expected and you normally end up watching the fire late at nights with her by your side, only this time her eyes are weary and she sighs heavily. You bite your tongue, Lexa if anyone isn't one for offering the answers you want just like that and you should know better than to ask for them by now. Especially right now. 

You don't.

“You okay?”.

She shrugs her shoulders much to your surprise- apparently she likes to do that lately. You keep your gaze on her as her face shimmer in the glow of the flames. There´s edges to her softness- the result of soon a full year at war and now, grief. You find it harder to remember how you would catch her smiling in a pure and goofy way when you first started to work together. In this moment you want nothing more than to see that smile, however false it might be, maybe it could fool her into believing that she's going to be fine. At the end it would fool them both.

“I´ll get through it, by recognizing it for what it is”, she answers and you hold your breath as if your lungs know what your mind doesn't. You see the flinch in her expression before she continues. “Weakness”.

“What is? Love?”.

She nods.

You scoff quietly and face the fire again. You could never do such a thing. Even if love has been the one thing that has hurt you the most by itself, you still have to care about the people you love and let that be a part of your life. There´s no life without that. That´s the whole point of you even being here, at what used to be an enemy camp, with the leader of the army that attacked you from nowhere. You could never have gotten to this point if it wasn't for love. But those things are not anything Lexa wants to hear about, you know that, so you keep your mouth shut and swallow back every reaction. Maybe she's disappointed by that, because she shifts with a sigh and then jerks her head up to look at you.

“Goodnight, Clarke”.

You smile a half smile and nod slightly.

“Night, Lexa”, you answer softly and watch her return to her tent. You stay by the fire for another ten minutes before you slowly moves over to your own quarters, with the only hope that you´ll be able to get at least four hours of sleep before the camp awakes at sunrise.


End file.
